My Anxiety Anniversary – Part 2

Ah, Anxiety, Welcome! Can I take your coat? Depression is already here

On return from my holiday, I went directly to the doctor, terrified that the panic attacks were going to continue. The feelings I had been battling were most objectionable and I knew I couldn’t continue to feel this way without it culminating in something dreadful. The one doctor I could get an appointment with (not my usual doctor) was not terribly sympathetic, but gave me a one-week supply of pills to take in an emergency if it happened again.

It did happen again. Read More »


My Anxiety Anniversary – Part 1

A Storm’s A Comin

A year ago to the day I had my first ever full-blown panic attack, just after my 41st Birthday. I was on holiday for a fortnight with a friend and, something about all the sunshiny happy people, the loved-up couples, the beautiful sun-kissed children, and the breath-taking scenery that made me feel as close to heaven as I had ever felt …. well, it seriously messed with my equilibrium (fairly precarious at the best of times).Read More »

Turning Blue

Turning Blue
Breath held
Stance statue like
Routine rigid
No change
No movement
No conversation
Whilst your breath is held
The dream cannot end

Fixed smile
No arrangements
No plans
Suitably vague, artfully elusive
Free days for sunshine and peace
But you feel no sunshine, enjoy no peace
No respite
No rest

Hold your breath for long enough
It might be true
And although you turn blue
Sooner that than know for sure
Then you will have to rise to the surface
And gasp for breath
And that is when the pain will start


Copyright © 2016 · Image and Text · Forty and Everything After

Green Spaces

Green Spaces
You dream of escape to green spaces
Such beauty drawing you away from the day to day
Such beauty it can take your breath away
No words needed, the view itself says “I understand”

Who knew such beauty existed
And, when times are hard, and joy is thin
The visions and feelings remain
The green spaces are there even when you can’t be
And sometimes that must be enough

So you day dream of perfect green spaces
And imagine being enveloped in their warmth
Such simplicity, undemanding, unquestioning
Though distant, a mutual agreement that you will come again

Soon there will be more time for green spaces
Days could be wasted in their arms
But remember real life must continue
A living can’t be made from their charms

Copyright © 2016 · Image and Text · Forty and Everything After

Tiny Perfect Moments …. Whales!!!

I arrived in Punta del Este on a late night bus from Montevideo. I had promised my dad I would visit Uruguay during my South America trip – as he himself had visited many, many decades before (when in the merchant navy) and had very fond memories of the place.

I could see what he meant about Montevideo, it did have a lot of charm. But it was very quiet the weekend I spent there. Wrong time of the season I guess. I did have the very best steak I had eaten anywhere in South America though, in the Mercado del Puerto (sorry Buenos Aires, you were pipped at the post).

My dad had read about the beautiful resort of Punta del Este in a weekend magazine. Being a dutiful daughter (and knowing how much my dad was vicariously enjoying my travels) that is where I headed next.

I was all in by the time I arrived there. Uruguay was my fifth country in as many weeks. I was on to my second chest infection of the trip, and I still had to find somewhere to spend the night. Punta del Este was dark, it was cold and wet and, much to my increasing panic, it was decidedly closed.Read More »

The upsides of the downslides

Depression is a contradictory creature. Sometimes blankets and sofas are all that can be achieved. Sometimes panic, thoughts of escape and out of character behaviour take hold.

Mental scaffolding collapses followed by boundary walls. All the things that once mattered no longer seem to hold you in the same way. And decisions that would previously seem outlandish, suddenly become the only option.Read More »