He says to you from the seat next door ….
“You remind me of my sister-in-law.
So confident. So self-assured. So full of life”
You laugh in reply
“You’re kidding right?
Ask my friend.
She’ll tell you.
I’m a mess.
Always have been.
Insecure, troubled, unsure, depressed”
He looks nonplussed
“No that can’t be right?
Look at what I’m looking at?
Hear what I am hearing?”
You try to explain ….
You have learned how to do this.
To fit in.
You had to.
You got to be good at ‘normal’.
Learned how to make people comfortable.
To be what they expected to see.
But, all the while in your head ….
And then you think ….
And then you said ….
“But I don’t mean I’m being fake?
I don’t think I mean that?
I just mean I can do it.
And I’m better at it now.
It is just so exhausting sometimes”
And then tonight,
When you wake in the early hours,
As you often seem to do,
It suddenly occurs to you ….
What if he is right?
What if you finally travelled somewhere and didn’t notice?
What if you arrived and are now this person?
And it is the old you, the insecure messy troubled you,
What if she’s now the faker?
When on earth did that happen?
And how did everyone see it but you?
Copyright © 2016 · Forty and Everything After