The Revelatory Reset

A few weeks ago I made a complete haimes of something.
I sent an email with an error in it.
To an ex-boss.
What I considered to be an important email.
And what, honestly, was quite an important error.
In an already awkward email.
Where errors were definitely not required.

I couldn’t believe it had happened.
That would never have happened to ‘Old Me’.
The ‘Check everything 600 times’ me (and then 37 more for luck).
The ‘Reread that same email a further 90 times post-send’ me – to make sure it set the right tone, and it couldn’t possibly hack anybody off, and wouldn’t cause any discomfort, or annoyance, or be a burden on anyone else’s day.
The me who would apologise for the inconvenience and presumption of taking up space in somebody else’s inbox. The sheer effrontery!

But on this day – I wrote the thing. I sent the thing. I spotted my error. I swore.
And yes, I did spend the day beating myself up for being a little careless, a little too hurried, too stressed to get it done with calm fingers.

But then I had a word.
Then I slept.
And I woke up thinking ….
“Fuck it” it is done. It cannot be undone.
In five days, it will probably not be a big deal to the recipient.
In all likelihood it really wasn’t in the first place.
(what with other people not fixating on things in quite the same way that I seem to do – lucky other people I say)
In five weeks, I’ll probably be forgetting about it myself.
This is HUGE!

What is more, I now also know why the email went wrong.
It wasn’t meant to be sent.
My heart knew this.
But my oh so organised, and rigid, and ‘Must Do’ head said “Get it done! It is on the list, therefore it is what you are supposed to do”.
Supposed to do!
Who is telling me this stuff?!
I think I need to take out a restraining order.

I am learning not to listen to that little propagandist as much as I once might.
It is where all the bullshit and cock-ups lie.
It is what your ego says. It is what your head tells you must be done, regardless of all, and weighty, evidence to the contrary.
My heart was screaming “You are stressed to hell about this thing, because you are not meant to be doing this thing. Please don’t do it?”
But then I went ahead with it anyway.
And then I screwed it up.

I used to be ruled by the list.
I am learning, finally, how to be ruled more by my heart.
My head can help me organise – and it is great at that.
But it can no longer rule with autonomy.
There is a new sheriff in town.
And this guy likes me better.

 


Copyright © 2017 · Forty and Everything After

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4 thoughts on “The Revelatory Reset

  1. Hey, me again with my “advice” and personal words of wisdom that I hope help you feel a bit better. To do this you may need to reread your post, unless you recall it by heart. Here goes.
    You used the term “supposed”. I work at not saying that too often with anything. Here is why. [Supposed: Regards an irrational obligation; often beset by outside company.] That is my definition. Being controlled with “supposed tos” tears people up inside; that is mostly what guided the “old you” or as I’d put it, “the inferior you.” You’re improving; something societies dislike; by observation. When using “supposed to”, think of anything by dire need or something unquestionably out of your control – such as breathing, eating, bathing, and such. These can be “supposed tos” but in truth, you don’t have to. Living in a “supposed to” world adds more stress than you already have; not need. Finally…

    You were upset at the typo. I get that. I have written things and one silly typo can alter an entire meaning into something dreadful. Here is my wisdom on that. Yes, you initially made a typo and that can be horrible; HOWEVER… It is fully up to the person reading the email (message) that knows you or enough of you AND be decent-minded enough to ask, “Did you mean this, right here?” That way, you can explain yourself. In addition, FUCK A TYPO! Why? Hey. Hey… HEY! You’ve been on the internet. Look at this mess. People literally, I mean young and experienced, who has GRADUATED from high school and college, don’t know the difference between, “your” and “you’re” so they put U, and UR, and YOR. People are that fucking stupid. What proof do I need? I troll them. I correct them, mainly if they insult me, and they lose their minds. I tell them, “If you’re going to insult me, at least do it properly.”

    Don’t stress anymore. I read what you, and AnonymouslyAutistic write and I see she has a lot of typos. I NEVER say anything, because I know she, like you, are smart people and any typo is a mistake and probably under the moment of, “I’m fuckin’ tired, ENTER, done. Sleep time.” Or… something like that. :D Without these red underscores, you’d be seeing a nasty level of typos from me. :D TAKE CARE! Follow your heart 60% your gut 30% and your head 10%. Why? Your head NEVER turns off. It has a silent majority. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right about the “supposed to” side of things, it is so often about living your life to please others rather than being true to yourself. My error in my email was significant, much more considerable than a typo, I wouldn’t get so upset about a simple typo these days I’m glad to say. Though irritated by making this error, it doesn’t concern me any more, it isn’t going to change my life (either for the better or for worse) so I might as well let it go – there are much more important things to worry about. Thanks for reading :)

      Like

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