Being Me, In My Own Eyes, For My Own Sake

Today I have tightness
A tightness in my head
A tightness in my heart
A tightness in my soul
An anxiety. An annoyance
A shimmer of violent energy
It has to be released onto a page

I am drained by all this ”Proving”
All this proving “Who I am”
Proving “I am worthy”
Proving “I can match up”
Proving “I am clever enough”
“I am sociable enough”
“I am trying hard enough”
Proving “I am worthy of your/their praise”
Proving “My thoughts are valid”
“I am moving fast enough”
“Sharp enough”
“Outspoken enough”
“Tell it like it is enough”
“Chatty enough”
“Quiet enough”
“Sharing enough”
“Caring enough”
“Well read enough”
“Cultured enough”
“Bubbly enough”
“Have enough friends”
Proving “I have fought enough”
“I have felt enough”
“Have lived enough to know the things I know in my heart”
“Have been hurt enough to feel the way I feel today”

Proving I am enough of every damn thing that every damn person expects of me every damn day

What about “Being me” enough?
Just that
Just being me

No, it is not you
I am never going to “Be you” enough
I shouldn’t have to apologise for that
I won’t apologise for that
I shouldn’t have to try, and fail, so you can feel better …
That you “Did you” better than my ill advised attempt
But I have a really good shot at being “Me”

I care deeply, but I won’t measure my emotions on a scale for you
I share what I can, when I can, how I can
It is not always enough. It is not always eloquent
But it is what I’ve got to give in the moment, and I will give it as honestly as I can
Sometimes it is just hard to share,
Like handing someone your innards on a plate
I won’t do it with a filter applied so you find it more palatable
And I won’t tie my value as a person to a “Like” button – so you can ratify my soul

I have valid ideas. I have strong opinions
Sometimes I can express them well (sometimes)
Sometimes I choose not to and that is my choice
I have a lot of thoughts (a lot, a lot!)
Sometimes they are overwhelming
Sometimes they are overwhelmed by the weight of others
Their strong characters, their voluminous opinions, their …
“Do you understand?” “Do you get it?” “Because I said it and you didn’t?”
“If you aren’t being as vociferous as me, can you really think it?”
“Do you really think at all?”

I love being sociable, sometimes, for a short time
Sometimes I like to be quiet.
Please let me
Even in a room full of people.
Please let me

I don’t like to be outspoken so much
When it happens I spend days analysing and berating
Is that what you want for me?
Then can I just “Be me” in my way, not your way?

I don’t like to state all my lived accomplishments every time I meet a person
Or go online
Or sign up for something
When did meeting someone,
I mean TRULY meeting someone, involve a CV?
Can’t we just be? Together?

I know what I know
I’ve lived what I’ve lived
I’ve achieved so much!
And other things have brought me to my knees
And you know what?
I am proud of how I’ve come through it all

So, I make a commitment today and for always
I am going to be me
To the very best of my ability
And try and curb the contamination of others judging my success whilst I do it

Copyright © 2018 · Forty and Everything After