As You Be What You Will Be. As You Go Where You Will Go.

I sat, and as I breathed, I looked around inside my head. And in there, there were dark masses. Masses I had created, formed, sculpted, thought into life. Some of them were jagged, some of them too hot to touch, some of them now smoothed through the tossing in my mind’s waves but heavy nevertheless. I looked at these dark masses and I said …

“It is time”

I said to the accumulation of anger, formed from the frustrating exchanges. That cooling lava of irritation, of injustice and unexpressed indignation. With steam still rising from its surface … 

“It is time”

I said to that boulder of sadness, about that sad thing, the thing that will always be sad but is taking up space I now need back …

“It is time”

I said to the shame, those stinging leaves of derision, those thorns of remorse, that I cultivated and watered with bitter tears …

“It is time”Read More »

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A Telling Off From My Own Text Book

A couple of weekends ago I got the lurgy. I felt really, very rubbish, and my sleep was ruined by the many-legged, germy beasties partying in my throat. I had so many plans of things I would get done. But then I just couldn’t. Not any of it. My battery was flat.

So I beat myself up about that for a while, making my custard filled head hurt more.Read More »

The World Is My Oyster

Recently I started a course in Counselling and Psychotherapy. As part of this course I have to undertake my own training therapy. My first session was last week. I am already hooked. I find this stuff absolutely fascinating. The things I have been learning just make so much sense to me. I want nothing more than to dive into a bath of all of these books I have been buying, until their nutrients seeps through my skin and I have become a knowledge-filled, prune-skinned, wise woman.

It reminded me of a favourite blog piece of mine, written whilst I was undergoing my own counselling a year or two ago … when my head and my heart hurt and I couldn’t say why.

That whole process was life-changing for me, and it has now inspired me to finally follow my passion for all things human, and sign up for the course I am now engaged in.

And so, as a new year approaches, and the world seems to be my oyster once again, I wanted to share this personal fairytale one more time.


The Path To Wise Counsel – A Tale

Once upon a time there was a small version of me. This girl had chutzpah, she had self-confidence and just the right amount of sass. This small version of me had utter certainty that the world was her oyster, and she fully intended to be the creator of pearls.Read More »

Fighting Monsters In Public & Other Sunday Pastimes

I haven’t had a panic attack since last March. That happened in the security area of Heathrow airport. It is actually a very funny story (now) but I think I am going to save that for another time.

This year I am very glad to say I have not had one. But there have been a couple of times it has been a close run thing. No more so than last weekend – on stage with a 300 strong choir, in front of an even bigger audience. Read More »

So, How Do You Waste Your Time?

This question was asked of me at my meditation group this week. It made me think about what we consider to be wasted time in our lives, and if, in fact, such a thing exists.

The gentleman leading our meditation on that day had expected quite bland responses I think – such as watching TV, or sleeping in, or things such as those. He did not get what he expected from his question. People thought about their responses far more than he had envisaged or was prepared for. It was an interesting question for sure, and one I gave a lot of thought to as it came toward my turn to answer.

In the end I challenged the premise.Read More »

So What, You Just Sit There?

So what, you just sit there?
That is correct
But why?
Energy
How do you mean?

It is a bit like being a self-drive electric car
That goes in to this room once a week
To plug into the mains and get charged back up

And what does the energy give you
‘Me’ness
Don’t you have that already?
I do. But I use it up
I get tired
It needs topping up
By just sitting?
By just sitting

But what do you do?
Nothing
You don’t ‘Do’
You just ‘Be’

What do you think about?
The idea is to step back from your thoughts
Well how on earth do you do that?
By observing them with warm curiosity
And then letting them continue on their way
Like waves that you choose not to surf

That sounds too hard
Well, it isn’t easy

What does the energy feel like?
Shimmering
But not just mine
A mutual fizz
That everyone in the room is party to
A person could see it effervesce on the building’s exterior walls
If they only had the eyes to know how to look

That all sounds weird
It is a little odd that is true

So you just sit?
Correct
Don’t you get fidgety?
Sometimes
So what do you do then?
Don’t fidget
How!?
It is one of the disciplines
To look at what comes up with curiosity
And then let it move on past
I couldn’t do it
You’d be surprised

But what is the point?
Energy
Couldn’t you get that from something else?
Maybe exercise?
Perhaps, to a point
Slightly different sorts of energy though

How so?
This is not just that blue sort of energy
That you feel in your body, in your muscles
No? Then what else?
Green energy
Why green?
I don’t know
Is it always green?
No
Then why green today?
Because today it was green

So how do you feel once you’ve done it?
Light
Is that it?
Not entirely
Warm
Inside?
Yes, but also to all things outside
All things?
Yes, all people
All structures
All natural features
ALL

That sounds quite nice
It is the essence of quite niceness
From just sitting
Yes
And breathing
And being

Hmmm …

It’s still a bit of an odd thing to do though right?
Yes, it is a bit unusual

I still don’t think I could do it
Nobody does
Until they are doing it

Hmmm …

So, green you say?


Copyright © 2017 · Forty and Everything After

The 4 ‘E’s of Every Day Tranquillity

I haven’t been able to go to my meditation group for a few weeks, primarily because I am back at work. And, though that fact has been a great reducer of stress in itself, I do miss my weekly appointment with absolutely nothing but me and my breathing and my body. Those saved spaces smooth out the rough edges of any given week and send a more softly surfaced, tranquil human being back out into the world.

The last time I attended (and before the session began) we had a short discussion about what makes it hard to meditate in our every day lives. A friend of mine who was present that day noted she was once told she should never worry about “Not doing it right” or often enough, or for the right length of time, or any of those other little qualms people who meditate might inflict upon themselves. This spiritual guide suggested to her that our every breath, every day, our every movement on this earth is a meditation, our every gesture and every thought a prayer, and we should not get so hung up on all the other shoulds of what we might perceive “proper” meditation is meant to look and feel like.

I am just as guilty of this as anyone. I do sometimes think “I’m not doing it right!” I get frustrated when the calm I managed to achieve the last time is not forthcoming this time. I get cross at the thoughts that bubble up in my mind and tell them …

“Shush! You are not meant to be here! You are ruining everything!”

I feel grave disappointment that I cannot sit on the floor cross legged for any length of time and hold my hands serenely like I’ve seen other people do in pictures and films. (Incidentally, I should point out, our meditation group is nothing whatsoever like this. We sit in chairs, and people do shuffle, and I tell them off in my head for doing so and distracting me. And then have to berate myself some more for my lack of compassion toward those around me).

Anyway, on this particular day, following our discussion, our group leader guided us to get into a comfortable position so we wouldn’t feel the need to fidget (Grrrrr!), to close our eyes, to start to focus on our breath, perhaps count our breaths if that was helpful … And so began our meditation …Read More »