The Revelatory Reset

A few weeks ago I made a complete haimes of something.
I sent an email with an error in it.
To an ex-boss.
What I considered to be an important email.
And what, honestly, was quite an important error.
In an already awkward email.
Where errors were definitely not required.

I couldn’t believe it had happened.
That would never have happened to ‘Old Me’.
The ‘Check everything 600 times’ me (and then 37 more for luck).
The ‘Reread that same email a further 90 times post-send’ me – to make sure it set the right tone, and it couldn’t possibly hack anybody off, and wouldn’t cause any discomfort, or annoyance, or be a burden on anyone else’s day.
The me who would apologise for the inconvenience and presumption of taking up space in somebody else’s inbox. The sheer effrontery!Read More »

Advertisements

Gratefully Imperfect

I was an organisation freak
So structured
So rigid
So uncreative
Stifling my own and others’ flow
With an eight sided To-Do List
And a review of the To-Dos every day
And no chance of ever getting it all To-Done

And then I broke
And then I got help

The lady said ….
“You seem to be a perfectionist?”
My head said ….
“That’s a good thing right?”
“That kinda sounds like a compliment in my ears?”

It wasn’t
It was a curse
It meant, when depressed
If I couldn’t do everything
I wouldn’t be able to do anything

It meant that ….

It meant I never created
It meant I put my work, and finishing that exact thing, exactly right
above everything else in my world
Above my own health
Above the health of my relationships
Above any fun whatsoever

And then in time ….

I am gradually fixing
Not fixed, but improved
Embracing imperfection
My quirks, my ‘Ducks-Don’t-Stand-In-Rows’ story, my pet peccadilloes
The cracks in my walls where the interesting plants grow

I now create
I am able to move, even just a little
To colour outside of the lines
Or even (God forbid!) draw new lines
Lines I just feel on the day
Whatever squiggle takes my fancy
No measuring or anything
Guided by what my heart says
When my head’s filter is not watching
What a bloody relief

No longer an eight sided To-Do List
Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t lost my mind completely!
I keep reminders. I stick hopeful intentions in a calendar
But if on any given day a To-Do doesn’t get done
I do not flay myself
I say “Yey me!” For the things I was able to do
The days I manage not to spend under a blanket
The days I do something, anything that moves me forward
Even if just for a few small hours
It is a few hours where I’m living not hiding

My name is Gratefully Imperfect
And I am a recovering perfectionist

 


Copyright © 2017 · Forty and Everything After

 

Introversion, Misfittery & How To Build A Real Person

I grew up in a very loving family. I knew my parents loved me and they told me so. I had a big brother who, despite the odd dead-leg and headlock, always had my back and was on my side. We were well looked after and enjoyed the simple pleasures of family walks at weekends and cosy Christmases in front of log fires. And yet, as I grew from a confident and carefree toddler and then young child, things started to change. I became more insular, spending more time playing on my own (or with snails, or my imaginary horses whom I fed rhubarb leaves, or writing odd little stories and poems). Gradually, and imperceptibly, my introverted nature was beginning to emerge. This was a completely natural process, but as I grew older and life changed around me, I began to develop a sense that I was perhaps a bit of a misfit amongst my more outgoing and outspoken friends. Having just come out of the other side of Christmas, feeling a bit down and a bit uncomfortable in my own skin, I was reminded of one of my early encounters with feelings of misfittery as a girl.

Read More »

Just Bloody Write! Learning To Get Out of My Own Way

It transpires that I have been over thinking it. What a surprise (to absolutely nobody, at all, in the world). This is what I do. And I know this. I have done it all my adult life. I think so hard on what needs to be done and the best way to do it that I become completely paralysed and can do precisely nothing. On top of this I am a perfectionist, so I think too much about how to do the thing exactly right, and what is the right thing anyway? And oh, what about that other thing that also could be the best thing? And now I have a list of a million things and what if all of them are a bad idea and ……. Actually, where is my blanket? I’ll be under there and I’ll see you next year, maybe, if the stars are in alignment, and the weather is right and my stomach doesn’t hurt.

Read More »

When did public exposure become de rigueur? – The Indecency Of Today’s Professional World

It has been an excruciating week for me. Several months ago I stepped away from social media as I was finding it overwhelming. It was making me sad, on occasion angry, often irritable after I had spent time there. I wasn’t feeling inclined to share any of the little life things that were going on with me at that time. I was undergoing counselling, and these much bigger life things felt far more important and, as an introvert, not things I wished to share publicly. So, as part of the process to try and hear my own inner voice better, I decided that for the time being it would be healthier for me not to be drowning in the voices of others, especially if it was clear to me they were doing me harm. That felt like a very constructive decision, and has felt like a weight off ever since.

However, this week I had to return to the world of publicly exposing myself on the internet. Read More »

The Odd Girl

In a room full of misfits she stands out
That is a special talent
That takes years of honing

“An eccentric” he once suggested
Experience teaching her to be restored by her own company
That is a blessing at least
Having learned to live in some comfort with the discomfort

Skilled at making simple amusements complex
Pleasantries awkward
Small talk loom large
Making trusting people suspicious
With that guiltless guilt

A simple greeting, a smile, a gesture of kindness, all suspect
All potential enemies, agendas disguised
She probably needs help
Though it wouldn’t help
All helpers co-conspirators

A life recorded on film
Friends watching for entertainment
Except not friends, but actors
And not very entertained
Meeting often to analyse the script
There are minutes
There are agendas

Occasional passers-by give the game away
Looking for just slightly too long
Then she knows, for a second
And then she forgets
And then she remembers

Odd girl
But she lives with it
Curious about the next episode
Cosy down, it’s about to begin

 


Copyright © 2016 · Forty and Everything After