This week I found myself having to justify the dichotomy between what I do to feed my bank account and the things I do outside of work which feed my soul. And this was with a person who has already had to work hard to make the thing they are passionate about their job. So they really should know better than to assume that what someone does in their day to day to make money automatically defines who they are as a human being.
But I guess we are all guilty of this on occasion. We probably all have asked a new acquaintance “So what do you do?”, and then we layer all sorts of assumptions on them as a person, based entirely on their response – when really “What matters to you?” would be a far more revealing and insightful question. If the person in question is incredibly lucky or has always had a laser-beam focus on achieving their dream career, the answers to those two questions may align. But more often than not they won’t.Read More »
This has been quite a week in the life of me. Things had been pretty difficult lately. Despite my best efforts I didn’t seem to be able to catch a break. That was causing some considerable stress, not only for me, but also for those closest to me. That all changed this week. And all thanks to taking one big decision. To sign up for a course I have been toying with for the longest time.
Having teetered on the brink of an anxiety cliff for too long, starting to despair at the failure of each attempt to move life forward, I finally decided enough was enough. I can either stand here waiting for panic to run at me with all its force and take us both over the edge, or I can say “Screw It!” and jump of my own accord.Read More »
I spent a few days at my brother’s last weekend. It was so lovely to see him and his gorgeous family. I felt the most myself I have felt for a good while – briefly stepping away from current stresses (which have been causing regular nausea and anxiety), and just being with this person – who in many ways feels like the other half of the person I am. Though we do not live near one another (sadly) our shared experiences attach us with a bond that I could feel with no other human being. I don’t have to ‘Be’ anything with my brother. I am just me and he is just he. I don’t have to pretend I’m fine if I’m not, or hide the things that are not working right now, and I am pleased to say he doesn’t do that with me either. Even though we are both struggling in our different ways at present, it felt good to be there for one another. As it has always been. As it always will be.
It was so joyful (as ever) to see my niece and nephews too. What beautiful, humour filled, captivating people they are. So full of what they are doing and what comes next in their lives. I am truly envious of them sometimes. With it all ahead of them.
All of their choices there for the taking
All possible mistakes there for the making
And their young hearts open to the inevitability of breaking
I have become very curled up on myself of late. I sometimes beat myself up about this and make judgements about what I am doing (or not). I seem to want to see people less and less, and this is compounded by the fact I am stony-broke. I am nearing my very last financial reserves, with no clear path at present to establishing a new income. I am on the brink of breaking into my be-flowered china bunny where my last pennies are hiding, quietly, hoping to remain undisturbed.Read More »
It has been an excruciating week for me. Several months ago I stepped away from social media as I was finding it overwhelming. It was making me sad, on occasion angry, often irritable after I had spent time there. I wasn’t feeling inclined to share any of the little life things that were going on with me at that time. I was undergoing counselling, and these much bigger life things felt far more important and, as an introvert, not things I wished to share publicly. So, as part of the process to try and hear my own inner voice better, I decided that for the time being it would be healthier for me not to be drowning in the voices of others, especially if it was clear to me they were doing me harm. That felt like a very constructive decision, and has felt like a weight off ever since.
However, this week I had to return to the world of publicly exposing myself on the internet. Read More »